Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
