Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
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you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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