I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
