I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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