Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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