apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
