her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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