So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
