can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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