just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
