It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
