I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
