You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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