when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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