It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
