never play flip cup with pint glasses
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
