i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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