Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
