no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
