I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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