There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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