if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
