I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
