If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
