Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
