Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
