I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
