____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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