Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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