You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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