miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
