my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
