I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
