Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
