Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
