I am spending my child support on dildos
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
