she woke up with a sticky ear
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
