Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
