I cannot find my penis.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
