So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
