the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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