so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
