somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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