So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
