Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
