I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
