i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
