My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
