Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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