When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
