oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
