So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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