Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
