I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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