His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
