I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
nutella sex= disaster
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I AM VODKA MAN
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
