dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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