I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
