Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
