Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
