I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
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We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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