I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
