At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
