I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
