those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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