the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
